the 07/17/2008

Unreal talks bridezillas, speeds off on a Spyder and offers a ...

bicycle engine kit   It's Rich Gonnello, an account executive from Taylor PR in NewYork. He's downstairs. He happens to have three Can-Am Spyderroadsters with him. Would we care to adjourn to the parking lot totake one for a spin?

Hell, yeah!

Now, we must admit, as far as motorcycles go, the Spyder is notparticularly badass. For one thing, it's, well, it's a tricycle:two wheels in front, one in back. Technically, it's possible tomake it pop a wheelie, but it would be difficult. Still, it'sbright red, has a motor and makes a satisfying

vroom when you open the throttle. That's fine with us, as we've neveractually ridden a motorcycle before, and real ones probably don'tcome with training wheels.

Tentatively, we climb astride the Spyder.

"Don't worry," says Paul Wharton, a salesman at West CountyPowersports, one of two St. Louis-area outlets that sell theSpyder. "I taught three girls how to ride a motorcycle, and two ofthem are still racing professionally."

Well, then.Video: Watch the test-ride.

We stall out a couple of times, but soon we are whizzing around theUniversity City municipal parking lot at the astonishing speed often miles per hour. We gun the engine. Holy shit! We're up tonineteen!

We ask Wharton to demonstrate how the Spyder can burn rubber, andhe cheerfully obliges. Just as he zooms back, a bald man in anorange safety vest rides over on his bicycle to check out theSpyders. He circles, but doesn't stop. Then he raises his middlefinger and declares, "Fuck you and your racer, asshole!"

Gonnello and the two Pauls stare at one another. "He wasn'tserious," Gonnello says. "Was he?" 

Fixer-Upper

Many years ago, when Unreal was a young hoodlum, we would prowl thestreets at night armed with a bottle of Wite-Out, a Sharpie and acopy of Fowler's

Modern

English Usage on a mission to make our world a more grammatically perfect place.Even at the time, we knew we were fighting a losing battle, and aswe grew fat and bourgeois, we gave it up.

But now, as our beloved state of Missouri faces a grammar crisis ofserious magnitude, it's once more unto the breach for Unreal. Themenace:

The new license plate and its motto: "Show Me State." As anyliterate schmo could tell you, because this usage employs "show"and "me" together as a compound modifier of "state," they need tobe linked by a hyphen in order to avert ambiguity: "Show-Me State."

D'oh!

This matter came to public attention a few weeks ago, when anOklahoman (an Oklahoman, for God's sake!) complained to the Joplin Globe. By then, 12 million of the new plates had been printed.

Why, you ask, didn't Unreal raise a ruckus back in April when OmarDavis, director of the Missouri Department of Revenue, unveiled thenew plate? Well, we had other things on our mind, like the fate ofBallpark Village. And Mensa. Plus, the sun was in our eyes.

But fear not! Besides being a dyed-in-the-wool adherent to correctuse of the compound modifier, Unreal possesses a civic-mindedstreak (see?) a mile wide. And thus we offer, entirely free ofcharge:Unreal's License-Plate Grammar Repair Kit!

Each kit contains three hyphens crafted from the finest electricaltape: one for the front, one for the back and a spare in case oneof the others gets stolen. Just send a stamped, self-addressedenvelope to:Unreal's License-Plate Grammar Repair Kit

Riverfront Times

6358 Delmar Blvd., Ste. 200

St. Louis, MO 63130

(No salesman will call! Offer good while supplies last.) 

'Zilla Hunt

For twenty years Judith Crowell owned Berrybridge Gowns and devotedher life to soothing brides, bridezillas, debutantes, prom-goersand the occasional embittered bridesmaid. After they drove her toretirement in 2004, Crowell embarked upon a new career as afreelance writer. Now she has written a satirical book about heradventures in the white-rag trade,

A Shop's Fables, which will be released this month. Always eager to comparebridezilla stories, Unreal asked Crowell to dish some dirt.

Unreal:Tell us about the worst bridezilla you ever met.

Judith Crowell: I'm not sure I remember off the top of my head. I need some timeto think.

Any mutinous bridesmaids?